Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize