She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
