I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
