I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
