This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
