In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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