Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
