we have pet lesbian snakes
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
