everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
