My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
is it fun? or sober?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
