Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
