someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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