the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
