I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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