He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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