i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
