Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
