I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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