can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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