tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
