I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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