Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
