Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
