Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
