two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
