Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
