Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
