i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
