I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
