Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
