I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
