so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
