Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
