i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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