my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize