you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
