How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
