I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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