Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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