I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize