I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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