I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
