Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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