I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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