so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
