There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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