Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
