yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Holy sore nipples Batman
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
