Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
