she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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