Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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