If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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