I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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