There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
