I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
