and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
