im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Is Oprah even human
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
