I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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