haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
