life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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