2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
