I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
