Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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