I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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