I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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